Align your Financial Philosophies before saying “I do”
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Do not let Financial Infidelity ruin your relationship
Financial Infidelity is broadly defined as the hiding of spending or savings. This can start as something fairly innocent (e.g. taking out a hidden credit card to cover some extra gifts during the holidays) and quickly turn into a huge problem (e.g. that same credit card suddenly has tens of thousands of dollars of debt you never meant to spend).
Financial Infidelity does NOT have to end your relationship; setting up transparency and financial safety can help you and your partner rebuild the broken trust. As that trust is re-established, you can examine the ‘why’ behind the infidelity and heal that wound as well.
Click below for some frequently asked questions about Financial Infidelity and also an assessment to differentiate between privacy and financial infidelity.
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Financial Infidelity is the hiding of savings or spending from your partner.
Many times the hiding of spending takes shape in two forms: Gambling Behaviors (including Day-Trading) or Compulsive Spending behaviors.
The hiding of savings takes shape typically with a secret bank account where bonuses or inheritance is hidden. This can be well-intended (i.e. for a gift or surprise) or is can be more nefarious (i.e. to hide assets from the partner).
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Many people rate Financial Infidelity as painful (or some say even more so) than physical infidelity. It can cause serious harm in the relationship and left unaddressed can eat away at the trust between you both.
However, with honest conversation about the lie, along with a plan that takes into account each person’s role in the infidelity, many people emerge from the infidelity feeling even closer than they did before.
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A quick way to answer this question is to ask yourself — am I intentionally hiding something from my partner about our finances because I am scared of them finding out?
This does NOT apply to cases of abuse (i.e. when you are hiding money in order to get out of an abusive situation — if you are, go to https://www.thehotline.org/ for help).
For a more in-depth analysis of your potentially committing Financial Infidelity, you can take the Financial Infidelity Assessment.
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The first step is always the hardest. And it’s awesome that you’re ready to come clean — truly demonstrates that you have hope for the relationship.
For hidden debt (i.e. a loan or credit card taken out without your partner knowing), at times it can be easier to tell your partner once you’ve come up with a plan of how to stop the spending that led to the debt.
If the spending was from a vacation or the holidays, that has a more tangible explanation that can be worked through together.
But if the spending is from Compulsive Spending Disorder or Gambling Disorder, you may want to talk with your partner about needing professional help — and that you want them to be a part of the process.
