Financial Infertility: When you want children but feel you cannot afford it
Financial Infertility is defined as a desire to have children being delayed or denied due to primarily financial concerns. The 2025 American Family Survey study from the Wheatly Institute found that “insufficient money” was the top cited reason why people were having fewer children than they wanted (or foregoing having children at all). Almost half — 43% — of respondents stated lack of financial resources as the main reason, which was twice as prevelant as the reasons of having an unsupportive partner or lack of personal desire. This finding was consistent across income levels — Incomes < $40,000, 47%; Incomes between $40,000–$80,000, 43%; Incomes > $80,000, 42%.
Bottom line — people who want children are feeling forced to not have them due to economic constraints. And quite often the people who are in ‘no more money for kids’ camp are married to the ‘we can find the money for kids’ half.
Below are some conversations and insights about how to discuss this literal life-changing decision, with ways to help use data as a guide.
What do we currently cost per year?
Do you know exactly how much your household costs per year (within $2,000)? The majority of couples cannot answer this question; and even when one member can, their partner cannot. Creating an annual, prospective spreadsheet detailing the post-tax/post-deductions income for the household with line items for each spending category is immensely helpful. And there is no better way to do this than with an old-school spreadsheet (sorry, but the apps just don’t capture the data and even using an AI agent to do this is faulty). You can click here to find my recommendation on how to set this up. This spreadsheet method also acts as a translator between each member of the couple because it gives the whole year’s spending instead of monthly breakdowns, thus accounting for the cash flow throughout the year.
Run the data with different childcare scenarios: daycare, nanny/au pair, one parent staying at home.
Now that you have the answer to #1, use the spreadsheet to run three scenarios for childcare (which is the largest expense annually for children): daycare, nanny/au pair, one parent staying at home. What is helpful about this exercise is that it gives an amount to the necessary increase spending. Rather than a general phrase about expenses (i.e. “Having children is too expensive”), it specifies the amount (i.e. “Having one child will require $17,500 a year from a daycare, $40,000 a year from a nanny, or the net loss of $22,000 if one parent stays at home.”). Transitioning the language from vague to specific helps parents understand their options. *Bonus benefit of this step - for couples wanting to discern at what number of children does it make sense for one parent to stay home, this data is incredibly helpful for two reasons: Reason A: It lets the potential stay-at-home parent know the exact number to ask their employer for should they want to keep them on-board (or, likewise, what salary range they need if they want to job hunt). Reason B: It lets the potential work-outside-the-home parent know exactly the amount they need to compensate should they go down to a one-income family. There is a world of difference in anxiety levels between “I have to make as much money as I can” vs “I have to make $1,800 more each month.”
Take guess work out of monthly spending fluctuations with designated discretionary spending each month.
Even once the work of steps #1 & #2 are completed, one member of the couple might still have anxiety about having children due to the lack of reliability in the budget numbers. This is incredibly valid, given that our “Fun Money” tends to be the main place where we unintentionally spend. The cure for this unpredictability — choosing a discretionary spending amount and paying it like a bill to yourself in a debit card account each month/week. Use that debit card for any and all fun money expenses (i.e. going out to eat, Uber Eats, clothing, movies, concerts, etc.). This gives a natural boundary around your money, while still giving you the freedom to go have some fun! It also provides the more financially anxious member of the couple with the predictability to be able to feel safe starting their procreation journey.
At the end of the day, this blog cannot tell you with complete certainty if you should have children or not. But what it can do is help provide couples’ data for the conversation so that you are not being pulled solely by your individual ideological stances. This can help move from a position of conflict to one of compromise on this incredibly important decision.
If you — or someone you know — needs help having these conversations, reach out! I am available for folks in Texas online or in my in-person office in Houston, TX. If I am not a good fit, I will help you find someone who is!
Email questions here: DrZepeda@FinancialTherapyTexas.com
Click here to schedule: https://www.financialtherapytexas.com/contact-us