Arguments About Money: How to shift from conflict to conversation
Arguments about money can be one of the most frequent reasons for divorce (a whopping 42% cited debt as a reason for their divorce in a recent survey from Debt.com). It’s no wonder considering that across cultures, it is widely considered taboo or improper to discuss money. People are rarely taught how to talk about money in a safe way, and thus in many marriages, people are ill-equipped to discuss this topic.
Here is a guide for how to shift from perpetual conflicts about money to actual conversation:
Move beyond “Saver” vs “Spender” labels to appreciate each other’s strengths. Often in a relationship, one person will be labeled the frugal one and the other person will be labeled the irresponsible spender. These labels can leave each person feeling blamed and mischaracterized. Instead, try to understand the value that each person bring to the table (the ‘spender’ wants to have good experiences together; the ‘frugal’ wants to ensure safety). Through this lens, the couple can start to blend their values together, so that they are living well, in a safe way.
Ensure transparency, even if accounts are separate. About 25% of married couples do not share their banking accounts (a trend seen partially due to marrying after professional life has been established). Even in these instances, it is important to be able to see the movement of money throughout the household so that the couple can plan as a team their spending, savings, and investment goals over time.
Create an Annual Prospective Budget. Reviewing spending month-to-month is helpful, but that it is technically tracking, not budgeting. This tracking can often lead to blame and shame over poor spending patterns, which — ironically — can actually contribute to even further poor spending. Planning out the annual flow of money (income and outgoing each month) is a great way for a couple to be able to see the ‘big picture’ of the spending and savings patterns. It can help to motivate financial goals and to establish future hopes. This can turn budgeting from feeling like a limitation to feeling freeing.
Share your financial hopes & fears. Sometimes people act erratically around money issues because of trauma from childhood or anxiety about the future. This can lead to unintended harm within the relationship as one person responding out of fear might be interpreted as a personal attack. Instead, share with each other what your financial fears have been throughout life, and what your financial hopes for the future are. Through understanding each others’ financial hopes and fears, couples can respond with more grace to each other.
If you, or someone you know, needs help having these conversations, reach out! I am a licensed marriage and family therapist who helps couples, families, and individuals in Texas change the way they feel and communicate about money. If I am not a good fit, or not in your state, I will help you find someone who is.
Email me a question here: DrZepeda@FinancialTherapyTexas.com
Or to schedule a session: https://www.financialtherapytexas.com/contact-us